Ever feel like things are moving too fast, like a tilt-o-whirl and you're screaming but can't get off...? You can't keep up, you can't slow it down, all the things you wish you could see are whizzing by, blurry and out of focus. You want to take a closer look, but as soon as you lean in they're already gone. Your position of control seems lost. You feel helpless. You know you're not, but the feeling pushes through your great wall of logic and overwhelms you anyway. Instead of focusing on things that can help you, you just let your demons plague you. Instead of pushing forwards, you fall down on the ground and tremble. You break.

breathe, keep breathing... don't lose your nerve...

Situations bring themselves to my threshold and look me dead in the eye, they need my decision, my judgment, my ruling. I freeze. This is where I need to be strong but my legs buckle in and my heart beats faster than I would like it to.

I want to be strong, independent, and responsible.
I want to be compassionate, loving, and beautiful.
I want to be artistic, intelligent, and a realist.
I want to have opinions, and I want to matter.

I know what I want. But I don't remember my path. I'm flipping through the pages of all my favorite books, I googled the word "hope"... I'm looking for the answers. I'm asking more questions than I can handle. I'm choking.
What have I done?
What do I do next?
What is right?
How do I learn how to do this on my own?

Am I still allowed to cry...?

breathe, keep breathing... I can't do this alone...

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